How to handle rejection
Rejection happens to us all, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. When you’ve been rejected or ghosted, you may be tempted to believe that you are so deeply flawed that you are unloveable and incapable of relationships. This is simply not true - all people are made to be loved and are capable of loving in return, even as we all get pushed away by others at times.
Having a ready plan to manage the inevitable rejections of life can help you move on without internalizing negative messages about your worth. Here’s how to get ready for life’s personal rejections, big and small, so that you can keep your self-confidence steady in the midst of the rejection storm.
“It is necessary to put yourself out for rejection, and accept that you will be rejected.”
Don’t oversimplify
Any narrative that results in either you or the other person being ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’ is overly simplistic. Complicate the narrative. Even as you take responsibility for anything you might have done to contribute to the broken relationship, fully acknowledge the other person’s contributions as well. When they have behaved in toxic ways, be honest with yourself about the problems with their behavior instead of taking the blame for their misbehavior onto yourself.
If someone else pushed you away, a significant portion of that is their own issue for any number of possible reasons.
their anxiety (or other unresolved emotional pattern) makes it difficult to maintain healthy connection
their past trauma limits their emotional resilience in the normal wear and tear of relationships
you unconsiously remind them of someone who hurt them in the past
they are acting out of a bias that they don’t even know they have
their insecurity leads them to feel intimidated by your good qualities, or they feel threatened by your successes
they wanted something from you that wasn’t available for you to give
You may never know all of the psychological underpinnings to the other person’s rejection of you. So be honest about your own issues, but know that it’s not all about you.
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.”
Do what you can
There may be efforts you can make to reconcile. If you choose, take those steps so that when all is said and done, you can know you did what you knew how to do.
Take the initiative. Let the person know you care about them and would love to repair the relationship if they are open to it.
Seek to understand. With genuine curiosity, ask for input on what you could have done differently. If they’re willing to share, listen to the response without defensiveness.
Apologize where appropriate. Don’t apologize for things you did not do, and don’t apologize for your emotions. Keep your boundaries while also displaying humility and openness.
Once you’ve taken these steps in good conscience, don’t get stuck on repeating them if they’re not reciprocated - shift your focus to moving on. You can’t force them to reconcile if they’re not open to it. It’s time to work on letting go and taking care of yourself.
“Rejection is the sand in the oyster, the irritation that ultimately produces the pearl.”
Don’t stuff your feelings
Processing your rejection experience is an important part of healing. Like any painful experience, you will glean something positive from it over time if you don’t sweep your feelings under the rug. Here are some ways you can process the grief of relational loss.
Talk to a trusted friend, mentor, pastor, family member, or therapist about your experience. Choose someone who can be empathic to your suffering while also adding new perspectives to the situation.
Write about your pain in a journal, then write a response as if from an unconditionally loving person who cares about your wellbeing. It might help to imagine what you would say to someone you love who is in a similar situation, then say those things to yourself.
Share your thoughts and painful feelings with God through prayer, showing up authentically with your questions. Take time in silence to hear the answers.
If you find yourself stuck in the hopelessness or self-hatred of depression, seek counseling from a trusted professional. Depression therapy is offered in Grand Rapids, MI, and online in 43 PsyPact states through Dwell Psychological Services. Help is available.
“The greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection.”
Stay active
Rejection can lead us to feel small, withdrawn, and less-than. Practice seeing it instead as an invitation to get your needs met elsewhere. Actively cultivate other, healthier relationships where you feel loved and accepted. Put yourself around people who are kind. Engage with activities that take your mind off the rejection - things you enjoy that help you broaden your feelings of connection with people and places who matter to you. Laugh, dance, cry, work, explore. Keep living life to the fullest, because you are not defined by anyone’s rejection of you.
While you’re at it, pay attention to physical activity. A good way to process uncomfortable emotions is to move - walk, stretch, run, bike…whatever helps you get out of your head and into your body. Get those endorphins firing, and let physical activity lead the way into mental healing.
“Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.”
Acknowledge your needs
You are a person in need of consistent love and care. If a person is rejecting you, they are not someone who is capable of giving that to you. Let them go - grieve the loss, and acknowledge the reality that they are not the person you hoped they were in your life.
Grasping to get our needs met from a person who cannot meet our needs is a recipe for misery. Don’t keep scraping for water from the bottom of an empty well. Keep on moving so your relational needs can be met by people more capable of staying present for you.
Depending on the nature of the relationship, you can decide if you will keep offering basic kindness or connection to the rejecting person. Be wary of taking on this role unless it’s an inevitably permanent relationship, such as a family member - taking responsibility for the other person’s happiness (or trying to force them to like you) will only backfire. When you do offer kindness to them, prepare yourself for the stress and disappointment; do it without expecting anything in return, and be ready to take care of yourself when they continue to reject you. Draw your water from other wells so that your needs can be met, even when the rejecting person’s issues can’t be resolved.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
Be patient with yourself
Being rejected is a painful experience that can take years to recover from, depending on the nature of the relationship and depth of the attachment. Be patient with yourself. It’s okay to feel the hurt and to take all the time you need to heal. Along the way, you will be learning and growing, finding new opportunities for love and connection. It’s okay to do that imperfectly. Keep moving forward, ask for help, and stay grounded in the truth of who you are - a person capable of loving and being loved.
Rejection is hard. It’s okay to be having a hard time.
If an experience of rejection has you stuck in a dark place, reach out for depression therapy through Dwell Psychological Services. Seeing clients in-person in Grand Rapids, MI, and online in 43 PsyPact states, Dr. Irene Kraegel has over two decades of experience supporting clients who are healing from depression and emotional overwhelm.
Schedule your free phone consultation today to explore next steps! Or, reach out with any questions using the button below.
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